The Breakdown

Kid, Meet Middle School

What a slap in the face. Middle school was the beginning of the end for me. The shock of all the unfamiliar faces and places went straight to my door step. I’ll quickly relive my nightmare for you.

Year One

That year I decree my strength was taken away. A battle or a war I don’t really know. Though I went in thinking I could win. In the end it was all over for me.

Year Two

How can you breathe with everyone always staring you down? Let me breathe please! This was too much I wanted a safe place away from this life.

Year Three

The end is near, repent! I found a box and hey, that box felt safe. "Retreat to a box, they won’t find me here. ;)"


... What did I do? :(
Alone*

Don't Let Me (You Don't Get Me)

Social anxiety disorder has directly impacted where I am at in life. Today I have written about what I have been feeling over the past 4-5 years after my breakdown.

Don't Let Me (You Don't Get Me)

What I am is nothing more than what I will be. My skull remains only a shelter for my thoughts. The limp in my steps is a reminder of battles fought. These scars tell a story from end to end what lies beneath is why I feel this pain. Remove me from your thoughts and hopes. Forget that I even exist. Let me fade away from the captivity of your mind. You never understood. You never wanted to know. Try as you will you'll never care. Let me burn to the core, until all that is left is ash and stone.

Cold or Alive

I was shut off at the age of 12. At the age of 14 I was officially dead inside. Contemplating suicide at the age of 14, I broke down until there was nothing left of me. How does one rebuild after this?

Elementary, My Dear Watson,

It’s funny really how elementary school lives in my mind as a happy time. A smaller group of kids and people to deal with, I became quite comfortable there. I knew everyone and everyone knew me. Now even there though I was the kid that distanced himself from social interaction. For example in kindergarten when waiting to go home I would always be standing by myself while everyone else would be playing. This is really the only place I ever made real friends and even those friends would later be lost.

But... this was only the beginning of a life...

You Can't Hold Me

Believe in the lie or accept the truth. I am done with this world.
My time has come and I will take my place far from this empty little space.

It feels like I am trapped inside my own head. Better yet this room that’s held me for so long my prison cell you could say.

So Sorry And SAD*

The kid so shy and quiet. In the back of the room more then likely. That is me.

I don't like that kid myself, and somehow I doubt that you do.

To him this is the worst thing in the world. All eyes will fall on him even if no one sees it. He's the one on trial here and you're his judge jury and executioner.

Who is he to hide behind his invisible walls of insecurity.

Sometimes, I Hurt.

I need a new life. The pain that I have in my heart needs to fade.

The music of Stone Sour is soothing me right now. Specifically the song “Zzyzx Rd.” is relaxing the pain away. Long night of restless sleep awaits me I am sure. I can feel the anger in me fading little by little. It’s a calm feeling returning to me but the pain is still there. I’m not mad anymore it’s as if I have stopped caring at all. I still don’t know what to do with the uneasy feeling in my stomach. A nights sleep and tomorrow spent with the family will do me good I think.

The Way Out

Depression runs like a river it seems in my life anymore. I can’t seem to get away from this pain and hurt.

My feelings on one of the hardest nights...

The Way Out

It’s over for me. I can’t do this anymore. I’m done with this life and I’m done with this world. I gave everything I could and nobody wanted it, nobody cared to think what it did to me. Give me my last rights I’m punching out for good this time. I’m not coming back. This is so long and the bullet is goodbye. I no longer can justify the reason for my life. Depressed for eight years alone, with no one I left the world behind. Now I’m ready to die, all the suffering and all the hate I tried so hard to reclaim my place. But they don’t want me here and I can’t stand these tears anymore. Forgive me for failing to be who I was supposed to be.

Frustration: Day 1

Is it really that strange that I want to pound my head on the table until I am knocked out? Nothing is changing. I blame myself for the world. Come on, I take one step not enough.

Back, back up for a second. Let me have a minute please...

Now I know the truth of what I saw the other day in the field of weeds. It was my childhood dancing in the rain all while staring at something beyond my own gaze.

Loop it and cut! Around the bend waits a killer and a rush like you wouldn’t believe.

Dump the car and get the moped they wouldn’t expect that.

Worlds run into blue and color me pink for sitting here thinking I was crazy. Turn down that flare it’s too much, you know?

Alright, I’m good. Now let’s continue dreaming shall we? The dreams of you are the ones I like best of all.

Purpose and Reason

What is life without reason? What is reason without a purpose? Worthless is all that lacks reason. Pointless is all that lacks purpose. Every action has a purpose, every reaction has a reason. Like rain falling from the sky we are only here for the blink of an eye. With what we are given we make the most of an already lost cause. What we seek is Purpose, and what we hope for is Reason.

SPED With a Gun

Where to start with that one, I guess, told to believe in myself from a young age. What was the point of all the lies they told to me?

My mouth is my gun and my words are my bullets...


SPED With a Gun

The kid with the brass knuckles, oh the potential he had. Ha-ha... No I am not the prodigy you have all been waiting and hoping I’d be. I never believed in the words that you told me. I didn’t care to dream about what I could be. I was born a SPED and I will die a SPED. But not just any SPED. I’ll go out as the SPED with a word.

I’ve taken enough and now I’m opening the jaws that I held shut for so long. Down on your knees trembling in agony, all I have to do is pull the trigger. Power to be held in my hand but stemming from my mouth it all comes pouring out.

You can feel the flesh peeling from the bone as the bullet enters the skin. Something more something rough stop your guiltless lust. The blood comes rushing from your wounds like the confession of a cereal killer. Written in blood and tears and so very clear what I held in my mind was something to fear.

Remembrance of this life... Or should I say of this dream of what we could be. Potential laid forth and now covered by my own feet. I’ve come so far but we’ve yet to reach an end. Many more days ahead and many more times of being called the SPED but not just any SPED no, not at all. I’ll be the one known as the... SPED with a gun.

Ha-ha, What a Joke...

The days are cold and my mind is numb, so I give you my thoughts of something old.

Maybe I am lost... maybe we are all lost.

And what if they are right? What if I am the loser they claim me to be?

The Joke...

Andrew T Valle (aka A Joke)

Yea that's me, a simple guy and still so complex that this world will never understand him. A social phobe brought to his knees by his own fear of what people think. His heart aches with pain from being alone but he does not falter at his pain. The helpless heart that resides in his chest still beats with the blood that runs through his veins. A dreamer and yet a failure he looks for hope but only finds hate. Starved of love from the world, he has no idea what it is and why it ovoid's him. Ugly is how I would describe him; inside and out a looker he is not. His only hope is of one day finding someone to hold but with every passing day his soul fades little by little. If you were to ask him what he thinks of himself he would respond simply by saying he is nothing more than a joke.

7/2/08

Fake Faces

This doesn’t feel real. This life, nay this game we are forced to play. I don’t think I want to show my hand, not yet anyway. Things just don’t look to good.

I want to walk up to someone new, look into their eyes and know that they are real. I don’t want the lie that they show everyone else. Show me what you have to hide behind those fake eyes.

Fake Faces

It is all fake, we are all fake, we are all lost. I hate what we have become. Simple and corrupt I hate this place.

Fake faces surround us. To the left and to the right we are all hurdled like cattle through our day to day life.

Plastic faces and fake smiles are what I see when they look at me.

An evil grin on these puppets faces as they push and shove to the front of the line.

Fake I am not I speak the truth. I’ve seen what this world can do.

Nearly destroyed by my selfish ways I found a better place...

Walking In a Life (The Beast)

Why do feelings affect my mind in such a way that I can’t control?

It seems I can’t find my place to breathe. Life changes from day to day as new things arise and fall. I will find my place and I will stay strong. Who knows how long I will have to wait. As all the things come crashing down on me, I brace for the pain ahead...

Walking In a Life (The Beast)

Day is a torment on my heart. Night is a dream of what I can't have. The days go by like the blocks of a city street I feel no love, I feel only self hate. Stopping only to daydream of what could be, what would be, if only they had let me. Through the self inflicted haze I see a light, like hope rising from the ashes of a war torn landscape the sun warms my broken heart. But the blood that I have bled stains the pavement red that I tread leaving a trail of blood in my wake; preventing me from forgetting the past and the life that I had once led. Escaping the now blazing sun to a place that is safe. My sanctuary, the place I would even call home, a place that I hate for it is here that I feel so... alone.

This is NOT Life

The first thing I would like to say is that I am in no way glorifying or recommending self mutilation. With that said, the reason that I am writing about it is so we may all learn something. I don’t know if what I was trying to say comes through or not but this is from my own experience and of what I have seen from others.

This is life...

And when the day comes that my blood is spilt because of you, maybe than you will feel what I felt...

I want to bleed and if I should die from my wounds so be it. Sink that knife in good and deep until the pain begins to fade. Let the rosy red blood come pouring out, watch as it’s all washed away, hatred for myself and the world that spreads the disease that had corrupted even me. Justify the meaning of life with the blood that they made me spill. “This is not the way” they will say. There is a better ending to your story. It burns inside of me, it’s slowly killing me. I can’t take this hate, it imprisons me. Used and abused I’ll take no more of this... For the first time, I want to fade.

My Life and My Eyes

Hello,

Let me introduce myself before the next thing I write…

My name is Andy T Valle and I am a 19 year old male.

The reason I am starting this blog is to try to put my emotions and feelings to words. That’s not to say what I write is good, but it is my view on things expressed to the best of my ability. More or less what I am saying is this is my way of venting everything on my mind. Whether or not you read what I write I leave up to you.

Now today I am writing about Social anxiety, a mental disease that I myself have. I wanted to create a mock speech of what day to day life is like with social anxiety.

Personal Hell (Joke Social phobia Speech)

Social phobia is the "fear of being judged by others and of potentially being embarrassed or humiliated by your own actions." Ha, well that's about right. Yea I have Social Phobia I find it near imposable to talk to new people. When around large groups of people I feel as if I am going to collapse. Standing in front of people causes me to shake and sweat profusely. I constantly feel like I am being judged by everyone around me. Talking to girls... well yea, you can just forget about that one. The hardest thing to deal with is being alone because of it. It does hurts sometimes I will not lie, but that's life with Social Anxiety. My name is Andrew Valle and I have a Social Phobia. This is my Personal Hell and I live it everyday.

For You

I leave you my love notes lost to time and a girl that never cared. They hold no place in my heart nor the girl that never gave me a chance. Remaining stained to this day by the tears of a once broken heart that had healed leaving only scars. Truly they are worthless to me, what love could have been will never be. Buried deep within the words lay my hopes, my dreams, my... love. It was all lost to me; never to be found again. I searched for what seemed like many lifetimes over, to no avail. And now that I am gone, For You I leave these papers, these letters so that maybe someday with some luck you may find what I had lost.

The Failure...

Hate, I love it!! Love, something I live without, forsaken am I forced to stand alone. Fall fail over and over I am on my knees. I try and stand tall on my own failure is what I see painted red on the walls. Blow after blow I take just to make my case. I will not do what they say anymore take the prize you can have it. I care not for this place. This world, I have failed your test I am sorry.

To Save The World,

A world I would die for, a world I would live for. This is not it, where has

that world gone? The world I grew up in, full of love vacant of hate. This

world hates me, it puts me down rips into me, why I loved you I will never

know. Still I search the ruins of our world for what once was. Beautiful

and so innocent it's all been lost, consumed by the hate that we create.

The hate I have faced and they have won. This world is lost and far to

gone. Remnants of the past are all that remain like the dreams of old, what

once was will never be again. Why did it have to end like this, why have I

let this happen, if only I could have saved you from your fate so full of hate.