Hard boiled to the point that you would say I am unbreakable. That’s what the years have done to me. I don’t know the exact length of time between then and now. The years came like bullets ready to kill and I just sat back and took the ride.
And here I am again dead on the inside searching for who I am, who I used to be.
On this night their words cut deep and they say…
“Kill Yourself So That I Can Move ON”
The devil cry’s out piercing my ears with words so sweat it taste like sugar.
Bring me to my knees in agony swearing that the end is near.
I don’t feel anything, and you know what “I would rather feel pain than nothing at all”.
Hand me the gun so that I may end this game. You’ve taken it all so go ahead and take the last of it.
The past always seems to be getting brighter all the while the future is fading... An old writing from a bright moment in my life.
Better Than That
I stand above, but not for me. I take the high road, but never for myself. I leave no man behind for a reason. I believe in something more, something better. Right and wrong never fazed me I knew the path that I would take. I knew the choices that I would make. What I have done with this life is made the decision to do what is right. But all of this means nothing, I am no better than you. What we are in this world is equals that much is true.
Look at your life, was it worth it? We lost our innocents for what, shame? Great trade, now I can’t stand the sight of my own face. I love a good fight but come on now this fight has gone on for far too long.
When I find myself at a hurdle because of my social anxiety disorder I’m constantly fighting to do things. And more often than not I'll put it off until later or never. A simple example… A building with a lot of people.
Pulling into the parking lot I’m now looking at the building, in my head I am trying to judge how many people I think are inside. This is the part where I am trying to psych myself out to just go do it. I get out of the car and I am instantly struck by what feels like an invisible force holding me back. My head is full of what if this and what if that's. There is too many people in there and I can already feel their eyes on me in my head maybe I should come back when there is less people… I’m now back in my car heading to a more comfortable place.
